The Beginning of a Journey

I have spent the last part of my life with a desire for intimate friendship – someone who really knows me and my heart. It has been a search fraught with frustration and no success. There are plenty of people I know, and I have had intimate moments with some – but not that deep, deep relationship that I long for. And to be honest, I don't fully appreciate those who are closest to me. My husband is my “bff”, but let's face it, he does not get some of the things I like to do. And, as good as he is – he misunderstands me at times. I have a couple of very good friends – but they live in the Rockies, and I am here on the East coast. We chat some on the phone, not as much as we could, and I miss going out for coffee or lunch with them.

I have spent this season in harried busy-ness. Mainly so I would not have to think about hurtful things like rejection and disappointment. And while these things filled the gap for awhile, and gave the impression of intimacy with girlfriends, they did not fill the hole in my heart. Even my desire to do women's ministry has been driven by this – my need for intimacy and to be known.

But recently I have surrendered this desire of my heart. I have heard it before, but just never really got it. My desire to be known as I truly am will never be fulfilled by anyone but The Lord. That desire for intimacy can only be found by spending time with Him.

David knew this – his songs are full of intimate conversations with the Lord.

Psalm 63:1 in The Message says:

God—you’re my God!

I can’t get enough of you!

I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for God,

traveling across dry and weary deserts.

And I feel like I have been there – traveling across those dry and weary deserts. But I am starting to see that David developed this intimate relationship with God after many years of just doing life – shepherding, singing, playing his harp and fleeing for his life to name a few! And so, I have determined to make some small changes that will lead to more intimacy with God. Clearing my schedule of all the busy-ness so that I have time to sit and be quiet in His presence. Time for singing and playing the piano for no one's pleasure but mine, writing my thoughts, taking walks, coloring, creating, and organizing. Those things that bring me pleasure, and just maybe, bring pleasure to HIM as well. Because it occurs to me – if one of the things the Holy Spirit does in our lives is to make us more like Jesus, I wonder if that might include how He lived his life BEFORE his public ministry. I can imagine him enjoying his woodworking, and the beauty of the wood. I imagine him enjoying good conversation, and the beauty of a sunrise or the beauty of the birds' songs. Perhaps being more like Jesus means enjoying and taking pleasure in the small things – and learning to be quiet.

I feel as though I am at the beginning of a journey – to know Him more intimately, and perhaps to know myself better as well.